this is for the woman who isn't sure yet, or who is sure and needs a plan. getting your paperwork and money in order isn't a decision to leave — it's just having your own footing. do as much or as little as fits your situation.
the goal is simple: copies of what proves who you are, and access to money that's yours. take it one item at a time.
photograph or scan them and store them somewhere only you can reach — an email account he doesn't know about, a cloud folder, or with someone you trust. copies are enough to start; you don't need originals.
at a different bank than any shared account, so it doesn't appear in the same online login. use a mailing address that isn't home — a PO box, a work address, or a trusted friend's. ask the bank for paperless statements so nothing arrives in the mail.
write down what comes in, what goes out, and what's owed — including debts in your name and any joint debt you'd still be responsible for. pull your free credit report at annualcreditreport.com; it will show accounts you may not know exist.
even small amounts add up, and having any money of your own changes what's possible. cash back at checkout, a side deposit, a gift from family — whatever fits without drawing attention. keep it somewhere separate from daily spending.
change passwords on a device he can't access, and turn on two-factor where you can. check location sharing on your phone and in family plans, shared calendars, and car apps. a shared cloud account can sync photos, messages, and location without anyone touching your phone.
you don't need money for this. legal aid offices, domestic violence advocates, and many bar associations offer free consultations. ask specifically what your state says about leaving the home, custody, and joint accounts — those three answers vary the most and matter the soonest.
one honest note: laws about property, custody, and joint accounts vary a lot by state, and the order you do things in can matter legally. this is a starting map, not legal advice — a local advocate or legal aid attorney can tell you what applies where you live, for free.
the money map covers the same five foundations for whatever's next — an account, credit, the paperwork, a cushion, and knowing your numbers.